What do you feel the need to deal with?
I can help you successfully meet a number of goals as you journey through therapy and personal development with me. This page shows a selection of typical issues which clients frequently wish to overcome with my help. The list is only indicative and does not pretend to be exhaustive. Drop me an email, text me or call me, and we will discuss your own issues, whatever they are.
Generalised anxiety, depression, negative feelings
Passing anxiety is normal. I do feel anxious sometimes, but that’s OK. It is just part of life. What needs to be addressed are generalised anxiety and depression. To identify these, we primarily rely on a long list of signs or symptoms, which include:
low mood, sadness, unhappiness, a sense of hopelessness and of being helpless, a feeling of emptiness, low self-esteem, anger turned towards oneself and/or others, restlessness or apathy, irritability, a tendency to isolate and withdraw, anti-social behaviour, suicidal tendencies, negative and self-depreciative thought patterns, generalised pessimism, lack of motivation, interest, purpose and enjoyment, sleep and eating disturbances (including nightmares), low energy levels, a difficulty to concentrate, remember and/or make decisions, a diminution or absence of sex drive, too much sex drive, breathing difficulties, digestive problems, etc.
Using a list of symptoms to develop a detailed picture of one’s mental state may help to build the resolve to break the vicious circle of negativity breeding more negativity.
The identification of generalised anxiety and depression also benefits from clear and meaningful definitions of these two conditions. In the sources made available to the public, generalised anxiety is most often defined as regular, uncontrollable, excessive and sometimes debilitating worry about various things in everyday life. According to the American Psychiatric Association, “Generalized anxiety disorder involves persistent and excessive worry that interferes with daily activities”. As for depression, it is most frequently defined as a “low mood”. The medical world defines it as a “mood disorder”, the NHS describes it as prolonged “sadness”. Such definitions are rudimentary and not very useful. They illustrate a general ignorance about generalised anxiety and depression, including amongst professionals.
In my experience, there are two main causes to generalised anxiety and depression, both of which rest on the existence of an (yet) unresolved conflict. The first cause is the experience or the perception that a breakdown is occurring or threatening to occur in one or more of the key components which structure one’s everyday existence. This may concern one’s physical integrity (e.g., health issue, accident, ageing, disability), one’s relationships (separation, divorce, loss, lack of boundaries, abuse), one’s personal and/or professional involvements (e.g., move to an unfamiliar place, loss of a job, change of career, retirement), one’s social identity and participation (e.g., rejection, exclusion, alienation, fear of death, fear of dying) and/or one’s relationship with the world itself (e.g., general sense of disconnection and homelessness, estrangement, de-realisation, depersonalisation, loss of purpose and meaning). Overcoming this type of conflicts requires renewed awareness and, often, renewed agency based on the new awareness.
Another frequent cause of generalised anxiety and depression lie in self repression or self emergence, which involve a conflict between two different parts of one’s personality structure. This often manifests in low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, generally uncertainty, feeling lost and directionless, lack of meaning and purpose, lack of interest, lack of motivation, guilt, anger, emptiness, unhappiness, frustration, etc. Resolution of this type of conflict usually requires overcoming self repression and supporting self emergence. Here again, developing one’s awareness and putting it into action are key.
Seeking help can be a challenge when one is feeling anxious or depressed. One often lacks motivation and strength, or courage, to reach out to others. Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, which feed one’s low self-esteem, often lead to self isolation and withdrawal. To compound this, identifying suitable help is a challenge, including when it comes to choosing a suitably skilled and qualified psychotherapist. One may not actually be aware of how much some therapists can help and question the value of therapy due to "bad" experiences or lack of success. But the most immediate challenge is sometimes to identify anxiety or depression, which is a necessary step before one can even consider trying to make sense of these and look for a solution. Let’s see if I can help you overcome this challenge by clarifying a few things, if you haven’t already done so.
Low-self esteem, lack of confidence
The complaint about low self-esteem and lack of confidence is a very common one. However, what I find time and time again is that individuals often lack of clear picture of what self-esteem and confidence are really about. Let me clarify this for you.
Etymology confirms the connection between self-esteem and worth. The verb “to esteem” comes from the French estimer, itself based on the Latin aestimare which means “to value, determine the value of”. Therefore, understanding self-esteem requires exploring the notion of personal worth. Personal worth rests on the possession of certain attributes, which can be of different sorts, physical, emotional, moral or intellectual. Our abilities can figure within the list of attributes, but so can our personal qualities or traits and dispositions. Let’s take an example. A leader with low self-esteem may question their adequacy because they feel that they do not possess the necessary abilities to fulfil their role. However, they may also do so because they consider that they lack the proper moral standards (to do, for example, with their boundaries, or lack of). In one case, we are dealing with abilities, in the other we are dealing with morality.
A clearer view of self-esteem allows one to better understand low self-esteem. The latter has to do with the internalised or internally imposed disqualification of one’s self from the right to participate in certain or most situations in the world. Such disqualification rests on a perceived lack of worth, which itself derives from the perception that one does not possess the required attributes. Low confidence will frequently result from low self-esteem, which may be the reason why they are so often confused. Indeed, the perception of oneself as lacking attributes which are necessary to take part in certain situations or actions often leads one to feel unable to perform. In other terms, the way we see ourselves impacts our levels of performance.
The above definition of low self-esteem provides various clues concerning how it can be addressed.
Where low self-esteem is contextual, linked to a particular setting and/or activity, one needs to reflect on one’s relationship with the context. Two options are available. In the first option, one focuses on developing and acquiring the attributes which are necessary to make one a suitable candidate to take part in the given context, following a suitable plan of action. In the second option, one engages in a re-contextualisation as the best step forward, acknowledging that one may be swimming in the wrong pond.
Where low self-esteem is pervasive, experienced all the time and everywhere, one needs to explore issues touching self identity and the nature of one’s relationship with the world at large. This type of exploration is likely to require deeper and lengthier work on yourself. But it is very rewarding.
As for low confidence, it can often be addressed by way of addressing low self-esteem, as it merely hides behind it.
Self-esteem and confidence are often treated as equivalent. One psychology website says that low self-esteem is about “lack of confidence and feeling badly about oneself”. The Webster dictionary gives a similar definition of self-esteem: “lack of confidence and satisfaction in oneself”. The Cambridge English dictionary opens things up a bit by including the notion of "value", but it still refers to confidence as a key concept: “belief and confidence in your own ability and value”.
These definitions are unhelpful, as self-esteem and confidence need to be more clearly distinguished. Confidence has to do with the faith or trust that one places in one’s ability to do something, e.g. to stand in front of a public or to run for five miles. Self-esteem concerns our entitlement to do or be something, which is based on the measurement of our worth, as illustrated by questions of the type: "am I worth some level of recognition for my contribution in this particular field?"
Identity issues
Questions concerning one’s identity may pose themselves in different ways and bring different types of challenges:
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One may be facing the challenge of making one’s identity seen and known by others, as well as respected by them. Additionally, in this context, one may be facing the challenge of having to (re)define one’s boundaries and learning how to manage these effectively.
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One may be grieving the disappearance of an old identity and finding it difficult to move on without it, feeling unable and possibly unwilling to redefine oneself.
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One may be in the process of engaging into a new identity or undergoing a reconfiguration of one’s old identity, but finding it unsettling and difficult, as it raises all sorts of challenges, questions and doubts.
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One may never have had a strong sense of identity and question whether one really has an identity at all and what it could be. This kind of situation is typical of those who have not found their way through socialisation, for whatever reason, or those who question their socialisation, finding it insufficient to define who they really are (socialisation is the process through which one becomes a participant in a particular human world, e.g., family, workplace, club, political party, religious group, society at large).
Indetermination regarding one’s identity often results in a sense of emptiness, lack of meaning and purpose, anxiety, social anxiety, isolation, depression, low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, amongst other things. Using my in-depth understanding of identity issues, I can help you make sense of your feelings and clarify what is going on for you. I can also facilitate any kind of existential transition involving who you used to be, who you are now (if anything) and who you are becoming, or meant to become.
The dreaded question “who am I?” may impose itself early on in one’s life. Otherwise, it can be brought to the fore by a variety of life circumstances: becoming an adult, studying, choosing a career, getting married, having children, changing career, retiring, losing someone close, being depressed, having a severe illness, changing location or residence, going through the reconfiguration of one’s family structure (e.g., through separation or the departure of a child from home), lacking boundaries in one’s personal and/or professional life, going through a mid-life crisis, changing gender, discovering and/or opening up one’s true sexual orientation, not fitting in the world, having a different culture, etc. The list is almost endless.
Self emergence
The process of self-emergence entails reconfiguring one’s self structure in such a way that one’s true self becomes more prominent while the ego, which needs not disappear as it remains useful, adapts to this new arrangement. It is important to note that the decision to embark on such a journey often belongs to the true self, which may demand attention and facilitation of its growth by exerting all sorts of pressures (e.g., accentuation of neurotic signals and manifestation or intensification of maladaptive states and behaviours, as well as feelings of inadequacy: the imposter syndrome). Depression, sometimes even physical illness, awaits those who fail to answer its call and take action. One’s ego will often offer a level of resistance to changes which affect it directly and try to block the process, out of fear of the unknown and because it feels threatened. It will try to remain in “control” (clients frequently complain of a loss of control).
Although it can be challenging and daunting, often even uncomfortable, the process of self-emergence should be welcome and embraced, especially where it can be supported and facilitated by a skilful therapist with relevant experience. Eventually, one experiences real liberation, empowerment and relief as one engages in new ways of being and living which are more aligned with who one really is. Importantly, focusing on one’s self and the reconfiguration of one’s self-structure does not make one selfish. On the contrary, it leads to a more open and healthier way of relating to others. Indeed, uncovering one’s true self is altruistic, as it allows us to offer others what is really the best version of ourselves.
We often live a large part of our lives with a version of ourselves which represents an adaptation to the world. This is our socialised self, frequently called ego or false self in psychotherapy. The word “false” should not be taken here as a judgement of value. Our ego is only a “false self” in the sense that it contrasts with our “true” self, which is the self that we would be without all the adaptations which we concede to fit and live in the world (some prefer talking about inner self vs outer self). The false self is not bad as such. To some extent, we need it to function in the world. However, the false self becomes problematic where it does not leave enough space and opportunities for the true self to express itself and be an active participant in the life that one lives.
In everyday life, our true self is usually not altogether absent, but it often remains subsumed and repressed, at least partly. The true self challenges the status quo when it gets weary of this arrangement and its limitations, which can be triggered by specific events and/or the passing of time. This can happen at an early stage of one’s life or much later, the so-called “mid-life crisis”. One has then to embark on a journey of self-emergence and self-realisation.
Lack of awareness and understanding
Going on a course may help but it rarely offers an opportunity to work directly on one’s personal circumstances, personality structure and psychological life. Where such work is required, making use of a therapist opens up more possibilities. This is especially true where the therapist is not limited by an over-specialised background. As far as I am concerned, you can count on the opportunity to draw on a breadth of knowledge which encompasses all the human sciences, social, psychological and historical, as well as philosophy and the spiritual traditions.
How we think, what we know and understand, not only allows us to live and function in the world but also conditions our ability to live life more fully and in a more meaningful and fulfilling way.
Most of us go through life with a workable level of awareness and understanding of ourselves, others and the world around us. This level of awareness and understanding often proves sufficient to get by, allowing us to go about our everyday life, make decisions, solve problems and overcome various challenges that life throws at us. However, circumstances or simply the passing of time may highlight insufficiencies. These insufficiencies may concern our level of knowledge and understanding, and highlight the need to increase this level. They may also concern the quality and validity of our current understanding and knowledge base, which may contain biases and false assumptions. Therefore, we may be needing new breakthroughs and/or new foundations.
Bringing one’s level of awareness and understanding of oneself, others and the world to a higher level and/or to a more refined and solid state is often difficult to achieve on one’s own and by using traditional resources such as books or websites, due to the lack of feedback and guidance.
Relationship(s)
Few of us live like islands or want to live like islands. However, there are many reasons why relationships can feel like a challenge.
But not all relationships are abusive. Frequently, they are simply a challenge in virtue of what they are, namely a complex human arrangement. Navigating life alone is difficult enough. A lonely life can already feel loaded with hurdles and uncertainties, which can partly be due to life circumstances, but also, more often than not, to lack of awareness and understanding, and to personality traits and tendencies. However, two individuals (or more) who find themselves in the position of living “together” face a greater challenge still. Unless one is psychologically equipped for it, navigating life with another crew member can eventually turn into a trial instead of being what it should be, namely a more fulfilling and enjoyable life journey. Working with a suitably experienced therapist will allow you to fill up the gaps in your skill set. Depending on your situation and who needs what in the relationship, you will be offered couple therapy, a combination of individual and couple therapy, or individual therapy prior to any potential couple therapy. However, be aware that the primary role of the therapist is not to ensure that your relationship becomes viable and durable. It is first and foremost to highlight what is going on. They will only work towards improving the relationship where it lends itself to this.
Abuse is a common issue, of which one is not always fully aware, and which can take many forms. It can be physical but more often than not it is also or exclusively of a psychological nature. Abuse can be relatively trivial and superficial, but it can also take severe forms which have the potential to run deep and cause havoc in one’s psyche. It can be happening now or, a thing of the past, it can stick to the present as a heavy and painful memory which one keeps carrying like a wounded soldier who struggles to heal and move on. Whatever is your case, it may be time for you to attend to the situation with the help of a professional. As is often the case, you may then discover that your issues extend beyond the actual trauma caused by the abuse, as you will have the opportunity to examine 1) how much and how effectively you take care of yourself, and 2) what are the vulnerabilities which expose you to being abused, a common issue having to do with low self-esteem and poor boundaries.
Hurt and trauma
It is often difficult to share our suffering with others and be open about it. The opportunity may not be there, we may not know how to express it, we may fear to burden others or simply find it difficult to show our vulnerability, which we often see as a weakness. So we tend to keep our pain to ourselves and we strive to find ways of coping on our own.
However, one may eventually feel the need to let things out and experience some relief by doing so (catharsis), to voice one’s pain to another human being who is able to understand and listen empathetically, without judgement. One may wish to go further and, where possible, treat the pain and address it somehow, or adopt a different attitude towards it and be active rather than passive in one’s relationship with it.
I offer a space and a very humane and caring relationship where this can happen, safely, confidentially and with no judgement. Beyond offering you empathy, understanding and support, I can also help you explore the psychology of your suffering with a view to overcome it and/or change your relationship with it and allow you to manage it better.
Life often wounds and can cause suffering.
One may be experiencing and/or have experienced abuse, bullying, relationship breakdown, betrayal, loss, social isolation, rejection, moral condemnation, illness, burnout, or any other challenging, hurtful and traumatic circumstance which life can throw at us.
It is often difficult to share our suffering with others and be open about it. The opportunity may not be there, we may not know how to express it, we may fear to burden others or simply find it difficult to show our vulnerability, which we often see as a weakness. So we tend to keep our pain to ourselves and we strive to find ways of coping on our own.
Troublesome grief
Grief is a type of pain which stands out from the others, as chasing it away may not be possible nor desirable. It is perfectly natural, one would even argue that it is actually healthy to experience a great deal of pain after losing a loved one, either human or animal.
It is not grief as such but troublesome grief that psychotherapy aims to address or help with, namely a type of pain which is so deep that it becomes you, or you become it, and it stops you from returning to and getting on with your everyday life.
Troublesome grief is a powerful feeling which is often accompanied by challenging thoughts, questions and doubts about oneself, others, life and the world. Dealing with troublesome grief entails voicing and exploring these thoughts and associated feelings and, where possible, answering some of the questions, addressing some of the doubts, as to bring some light.
Although, for obvious reasons, clients do not envisage that dealing with troublesome grief should constitute an opportunity for personal development, they frequently end up achieving real breakthroughs which have a significant impact on themselves and their relationship with others and the world, as well as on the grief itself and their approach to loss and death.